~~Puff Puff Pass~~

Stop signs and coffin sticks

So, I bought a car! I am getting my license in 12 days or less and I quit smoking. I am pretty content, we’ll sorta. I still have a few things that bother me, but who the Fuck doesn’t. I am really surprised at myself however, for the choices that I have made. I hope that things in my life can get better. I still have a stupid crush on my associate, but that will pass. Hmmm

Desolate

I think I realized today how alone I really am. Sitting here in the ER, due to chronic coughing and lung pain, I watch as all the jolly couples cuddle each other in pathetic harmony. I sit here coughing over and over again, each cough a foot deeper in dirty looks. I wonder how I can be so alone, how if I we’re to just stop breathing no one would know for hours, and I would be left loveless. I sometimes think about dying, about how much im tired of being this fat blob of nothing. How much easier things would fucking be if I was alone. I have never been so angry. Angry at my weight, my life choices, my addictions, just everything. I want to just fucking shrivel up because of how useless I feel I am. Im done trying and giving a flying Fuck because in the end it doesn’t even matter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll pump an air bubble into my I’ve so I can die with cardiac arrest. Hey, at least there would be a juicy law suit my family could bennifit from, and then I’d be worth.something..

Tumbleweeds

So for a while I hadn’t been crushing on anyone, I might as well had claimed celibacy as well, anyways we got someone new at my work who made me giggle like an uninhabited school girl. I’m not one for going off the charts or anything, but im aware that dating employees isn’t in the cards for any job, but I had plans.. Until the girl mext door Chantilly clad gave away her digits so that now the potential for me is zero. I don’t know what to think. I am almost dumb founded. I am sick with everyone right now. I want to crawl into a cave and live there for ten years with no warning to anyone else. I really don’t know why I am so lonely. Alone. I even find myself flirting with the less attractive socially awkward boys who stop in my work. And then nothing happens and I am left all alone again.

Two faced

So, I swear to God that jealousy is one of the ugliest shades a girl can wear. I hate coming to this conclusion, but it’s gotten to where one of my “friends”/ Co workers has reeked literal homeschool havoc on myself and my life. I’m sorry that my witty banter and interpersonal skills are quite nifty, but I am not sorry that you assume every ounce of my being is flirting with guys. Half the time or more I don’t flirt, I even come off as more of a bro. If you are going to sit there and spread rancid lies about the actions you think I make, than you are just pathetic. I am true blue, bluer than the goddamn sky if we need to.get technical, but you are more wrong than Plaid and Polka dots bred together. I don’t want your approval, nor do I need it. Get a reality check birch, and stay the Fuck out of mine.

Anonymous asked: Hey babe, I know how you feel. I recently had this guy flirt with me for 2 months straight and then suddenly go back to his ex. And I know what you mean about the online dating. It just doesn't feel... real. You want someone to hold your hand, to kiss you, to take time out of their day to come see you, right? I know. And I really have nothing to say except this. I know how it feels. And it's tough, I know. *Gives big hug* I'm sorry I'm not much help!

Thanks hun. It really does sick, I am just glad it isn’t just me. Neither of us deserve that shit, but it happens. I just hope one day, all of these guys come crawling back, just so I can tell them “Fuck no” lol. I feel pathetic playing the forever alone card, but after a while it’s all you can really do. I guess you just have to stop questioning if you’re actually good enough, and begin to realize that you are, and it isn’t you- it’s them.

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this mothefucking loneliness that weighs on me like an aircraft carrier. I can’t take the exhaustion. I can’t take the stress. I can’t understand why I literally have no one to want me, and why I always help my friends out with their multiple relationship problems. Every single time I find that someone is interested in me, it isn’t my laugh or smile or style or talent or genuine personality- it’s always for that stupid act of pleasure. I don’t get it. I am so tired of online dating and I even found myself browsing goddamn craigslist the other day. I swear I have become a Fuckin desperate mess. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t know why I even try. I always tell myself the same thing, that you’ll find someone someday, but obviously that isn’t the case because here I am. Alone. I sure don’t show the world this side of me, but holding it in twists my stomach more than a 2$ pretzel. I give up.

It’s annoying that those who I find on dating websites would be so easy to just message, but I feel like that is such a copper. Where is the romance? The intrigue? The mystery? No where. I can’t help but complain because nothing anymore keeps me happy. I always end up gasping for air, for some type of resurrection into the fresh start of a new day. I question if I should be so unhappy. But I am and it isn’t going away. I guess I’ll just keep being the one to glance at the happy couples who pass me by and wonder why them and not me. I guess I’ll still be just as pathetic to sift through the many profiles on dating sites, who never truly catch my attention quite enough. I suppose I’ll also be that hopeless fish gasping for air above ground while all the others swim proudly amongst themselves. I guess I’ll just remain being me..

Soooo…. Recently work has been a complete drag and the means of my stress..I have tried my hardest and yet one of my Co workers never fails to put me down. I took the issue to my manager and haven’t been there in two days, but am surely hoping that by tomorrow things will be a little more crystal. I am however, nervous that this will create even.more tension which I am frankly trying to avoid, but it’s not like I work at a give star hotel, it’s a goddamn pharmacy…I hope I can breathe easier by tomorrow…:/