Puff Puff Pass

"Do not settle for less than exactly what you want. Your heart’s desires are there for a reason...."

Tue, 21 May 2013 06:51:07 -0400

“Do not settle for less than exactly what you want. Your heart’s desires are there for a reason. Chase them. Pursue them relentlessly. Do not lose sight of your goals. They are your very reason for being.”

- Franki Durbin (via perfect)

So, I grew balls tonight. My confidence was at a high point and I decided to talk to the associate...

Tue, 21 May 2013 06:32:10 -0400

So, I grew balls tonight. My confidence was at a high point and I decided to talk to the associate of mine I have a forbidden crush on. It was good. I feel almost…detached in a sense because I know he is ten times too cute for words and would never go for me. I beat myself up after we chatted because I almost feel like getting to know him is a crime. We make jokes at each other, and laugh and goof off, but I don’t know if he sees me like I see him. I feel like I have attractive qualities, but then I think about my weight, how much that can play a factor into liking someone. I want to.change but someone once told me to only change if it’s for myself. I shouldn’t change just to please the outside world. I am miles away from sanity and conclusion. I should just stop myself from dwindling in a fantasy world because no matter who I like, the ones I go after are always chapters away. I wish I could read his mind to see if he would go for me. That is all I want, just once in my life for there to be a simple chance, for someone out of my league to want me on their team. The sweet smell of Oregon rain is dancing into my room and as much as it usually impresses my mood, it isn’t doing that tonight. I may seem bitter and frankly, a little lost, but why is it always too much to ask to be wanted, liked, cared about, by someone you feel the same way towards. I don’t even really know this guy that we’ll, so all of what I am asking is not applicable, but a nice taste of some sweet change would be lovely. Yeah, lovely. It’s pretty late, so I guess I am done ranting. Time to drift off into slumber land lost, loveless, and confused. Goodnight world.

Stop signs and coffin sticks

Thu, 16 May 2013 04:17:03 -0400

So, I bought a car! I am getting my license in 12 days or less and I quit smoking. I am pretty content, we’ll sorta. I still have a few things that bother me, but who the Fuck doesn’t. I am really surprised at myself however, for the choices that I have made. I hope that things in my life can get better. I still have a stupid crush on my associate, but that will pass. Hmmm

Desolate

Wed, 08 May 2013 20:49:46 -0400

I think I realized today how alone I really am. Sitting here in the ER, due to chronic coughing and lung pain, I watch as all the jolly couples cuddle each other in pathetic harmony. I sit here coughing over and over again, each cough a foot deeper in dirty looks. I wonder how I can be so alone, how if I we’re to just stop breathing no one would know for hours, and I would be left loveless. I sometimes think about dying, about how much im tired of being this fat blob of nothing. How much easier things would fucking be if I was alone. I have never been so angry. Angry at my weight, my life choices, my addictions, just everything. I want to just fucking shrivel up because of how useless I feel I am. Im done trying and giving a flying Fuck because in the end it doesn’t even matter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll pump an air bubble into my I’ve so I can die with cardiac arrest. Hey, at least there would be a juicy law suit my family could bennifit from, and then I’d be worth.something..

Tumbleweeds

Mon, 06 May 2013 05:50:01 -0400

So for a while I hadn’t been crushing on anyone, I might as well had claimed celibacy as well, anyways we got someone new at my work who made me giggle like an uninhabited school girl. I’m not one for going off the charts or anything, but im aware that dating employees isn’t in the cards for any job, but I had plans.. Until the girl mext door Chantilly clad gave away her digits so that now the potential for me is zero. I don’t know what to think. I am almost dumb founded. I am sick with everyone right now. I want to crawl into a cave and live there for ten years with no warning to anyone else. I really don’t know why I am so lonely. Alone. I even find myself flirting with the less attractive socially awkward boys who stop in my work. And then nothing happens and I am left all alone again.

Two faced

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 03:00:09 -0400

So, I swear to God that jealousy is one of the ugliest shades a girl can wear. I hate coming to this conclusion, but it’s gotten to where one of my “friends”/ Co workers has reeked literal homeschool havoc on myself and my life. I’m sorry that my witty banter and interpersonal skills are quite nifty, but I am not sorry that you assume every ounce of my being is flirting with guys. Half the time or more I don’t flirt, I even come off as more of a bro. If you are going to sit there and spread rancid lies about the actions you think I make, than you are just pathetic. I am true blue, bluer than the goddamn sky if we need to.get technical, but you are more wrong than Plaid and Polka dots bred together. I don’t want your approval, nor do I need it. Get a reality check birch, and stay the Fuck out of mine.

aliviawithasideofem: The Avengers Makeup Tutorial Series:...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 04:58:00 -0400

aliviawithasideofem:

The Avengers Makeup Tutorial Series: Thor

SWEET JESUS.

Hey babe, I know how you feel. I recently had this guy flirt with me for 2 months straight and then suddenly go back to his ex. And I know what you mean about the online dating. It just doesn't feel... real. You want someone to hold your hand, to kiss you, to take time out of their day to come see you, right? I know. And I really have nothing to say except this. I know how it feels. And it's tough, I know. Gives big hug I'm sorry I'm not much help!

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:01:45 -0400

Thanks hun. It really does sick, I am just glad it isn’t just me. Neither of us deserve that shit, but it happens. I just hope one day, all of these guys come crawling back, just so I can tell them “Fuck no” lol. I feel pathetic playing the forever alone card, but after a while it’s all you can really do. I guess you just have to stop questioning if you’re actually good enough, and begin to realize that you are, and it isn’t you- it’s them.

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this mothefucking loneliness that weighs on me like an...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:12:48 -0400

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this mothefucking loneliness that weighs on me like an aircraft carrier. I can’t take the exhaustion. I can’t take the stress. I can’t understand why I literally have no one to want me, and why I always help my friends out with their multiple relationship problems. Every single time I find that someone is interested in me, it isn’t my laugh or smile or style or talent or genuine personality- it’s always for that stupid act of pleasure. I don’t get it. I am so tired of online dating and I even found myself browsing goddamn craigslist the other day. I swear I have become a Fuckin desperate mess. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t know why I even try. I always tell myself the same thing, that you’ll find someone someday, but obviously that isn’t the case because here I am. Alone. I sure don’t show the world this side of me, but holding it in twists my stomach more than a 2$ pretzel. I give up.

It’s annoying that those who I find on dating websites would be so easy to just message, but I feel like that is such a copper. Where is the romance? The intrigue? The mystery? No where. I can’t help but complain because nothing anymore keeps me happy. I always end up gasping for air, for some type of resurrection into the fresh start of a new day. I question if I should be so unhappy. But I am and it isn’t going away. I guess I’ll just keep being the one to glance at the happy couples who pass me by and wonder why them and not me. I guess I’ll still be just as pathetic to sift through the many profiles on dating sites, who never truly catch my attention quite enough. I suppose I’ll also be that hopeless fish gasping for air above ground while all the others swim proudly amongst themselves. I guess I’ll just remain being me..

Soooo…. Recently work has been a complete drag and the means of my stress..I have tried my...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 19:22:54 -0400

Soooo…. Recently work has been a complete drag and the means of my stress..I have tried my hardest and yet one of my Co workers never fails to put me down. I took the issue to my manager and haven’t been there in two days, but am surely hoping that by tomorrow things will be a little more crystal. I am however, nervous that this will create even.more tension which I am frankly trying to avoid, but it’s not like I work at a give star hotel, it’s a goddamn pharmacy…I hope I can breathe easier by tomorrow…:/

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Thu, 04 Apr 2013 14:45:39 -0400

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Thu, 04 Apr 2013 14:45:12 -0400

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Tue, 02 Apr 2013 16:08:27 -0400

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Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:54:54 -0400

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Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:53:55 -0400

I don’t know why but I LOVE this

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:49:14 -0400

I don’t know why but I LOVE this

loveee

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:48:39 -0400

loveee

what is wrong with me? what is wrong with my timing? I always seem to lose when I am so close to...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 23:53:16 -0400

what is wrong with me? what is wrong with my timing? I always seem to lose when I am so close to winning. I was talking to this guy- who, of course I met online, because get real, it’s literally a fantasy to meet someone in person nowadays who won’t want to fuck (and just fuck) and things were going fairly well. I was happy and even excited to meet him next week…..but guess what?! he told me today that ge got a gf. just like that. overnight. I blink and shit gets fucking turned upside down, it’s almost impossible for things to go right. Ughhh.. I want to rip someones hair out. Work is stressing me out, everything is fucking irritating me. I don’t understand how someone can be this fucking single, or how I don’t even have any options any more. I guess I’ll just have to bite my tongue and let by gones be by gones. I am tired of being so tired of being tired. :/

impossible

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 06:35:44 -0400

I wish I could go to work tomorrow and find all of my supervisors and associates hot-boxing the break room. I can just see them all glossy eyed and giggling, eating knockoff cheese puffs like hyenas….that would be too fucking funny…

I have to be to work again, and I can’t help but stay awake because sleep makes it get sooo...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 06:18:36 -0400

I have to be to work again, and I can’t help but stay awake because sleep makes it get sooo much closer to that time and frankly, that sounds the least bit fun currently. I am tired and sober and sad. I just want something that keeps me happy, and at least on my toes a little bit. I am tired of always feeling so depressed and wanting something more than what I actually have. I suppose that is human nature- to crave what we can not obtain; at least in that glimpse of unsatisfaction that we deal with on a day to day basis. For the longest while, I thought it was men. I thought that I needed a man in order to fufill my needs, but after thinking I realized that a man can’t fill the void inside me and all of the jealousy that seeps from my pores sometimes is ridiculous because I can’t even imagine myself in a relationship. I would go nuts. I feel that perhaps I need to focus my mind on other things…..losing weight, getting my car, beneficial items of joy that won’t bring me down in the dumps even further. For the longest time I questioned, and honestly still do question, why is it with me, do men only want me for one purpose? I don’t give it to them. I just don’t get how some people can be slime.. I am not backing down anymore though. I want to enjoy myself and try and be the best that I humanly can…

~~Puff Puff Pass~~

"Do not settle for less than exactly what you want. Your heart’s desires are there for a reason...."

So, I grew balls tonight. My confidence was at a high point and I decided to talk to the associate...

Stop signs and coffin sticks

Desolate

Tumbleweeds

Two faced

aliviawithasideofem: The Avengers Makeup Tutorial Series:...

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this mothefucking loneliness that weighs on me like an...

Soooo…. Recently work has been a complete drag and the means of my stress..I have tried my...

Photo

Photo

Photo

Video

Photo

I don’t know why but I LOVE this

loveee

what is wrong with me? what is wrong with my timing? I always seem to lose when I am so close to...

impossible

I have to be to work again, and I can’t help but stay awake because sleep makes it get sooo...

Puff Puff Pass